Retarded

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The Hard Sell

June 9, 2010 in Uncategorized by beeteedee | No comments

The exact same thing has happened to me twice: I’m walking out of the convenience store at the Exxon station on Route 4, you know the one, and two guys pull up next to me in a minivan. The driver asks me if I’d care to purchase a “Home Entertainment System” they apparently have in the back of their vehicle, and I decline. Upon hearing this, the man in the passenger seat loudly exclaims, “NO, HE DOESN’T WANT IT, HE’S GAY!” and off they go.

This played out in pretty much the exact same way at the exact same location on two separate occasions, most recently just today, and needless to say on both occasions I sprinted after the car screaming “NO, WAIT! I’LL BUY YOUR STOLEN MERCHANDISE IF IT WILL PROVE TO YOU THAT I’M NOT GAY!” But it was too late. Opportunity only knocks once, my friends! Or twice, whatever.

From what I’ve witnessed I think it’s safe to assume that these guys do this all day every day: Drive to a gas station, pull up next to some dude, offer to sell him a stolen stereo, accuse him of being a homosexual if he’s not interested, rinse and repeat. Are these guys even selling stolen merchandise or is this all just an excuse to drive around calling people gay? What ever happened to the tried and true method of screaming it out the window as you drive by at 40 MPH?

Maybe I sound old, but I really do miss the days when sketchy-ass weirdos who drove around trying to sell stolen shit out of their cars were civil.

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KISSTORY REPEATS ITSELF!

November 22, 2009 in Uncategorized by beeteedee | No comments

Paul Stanley is known to recycle stage banter in order to elicit the same reaction from different crowds, so it only seems fair that different crowds would use the same tactics to elicit a response from Paul Stanley, right? In Paul’s case, the desired response would be applause; in the audience’s case, the desired response might be Paul threatening to shove something up an audience member’s ass.

It would seem that busting out a laser pointer is a road-tested method for eliciting the latter response. It worked in NJ:

And it worked in Portland, OR:

While I’m sure that, being a guy in the audience at a KISS concert, the laser pointer guy is likely a fan of the “triple-X channels” and the Playboy magazines, I must say it’s rather unconscionable for Paul to steal Steve Martin’s standard heckler retort “I remember my first beer”. And anyway, I think the laser pointer guy has his heart in the right place - watching Paul Stanley stick a laser pointer up someone’s ass would probably be a lot more entertaining for the rest of the audience than watching his fat ass fly over the crowd on a zip line.

But you gotta hand it to Paul: as these 2 clips clearly illustrate, he’s a master of the smooth segue between lecturing an unruly audience member to trying to get the rest of the audience pumped up!

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The 6 Deadly Karaoke Host Sins

July 15, 2009 in Lists by beeteedee | No comments

If you host a Karaoke night, you NEED this list.

1. Letting kids sing: Because I am a terrible person, I do not find it at all adorable when a bunch of little kids get up and sing “Under The Sea” or some song from High School Musical. Did you know that little kids lack the ability to control the pitch and volume of their voices? I’ve never read this in any scientific literature, but I know it to be true from watching many horrible kiddy karaoke performances. The worst part about little kids doing karaoke is that they never do just one song. What kind of a MONSTER would tell a child to trim down an 8-song wish list?

2. Allowing people to sing songs with long instrumental sections or solos: Let me tell you, this situation sucks for everyone involved. As boring as this is for the audience, it’s 10 times worse for the person singing, who has to stand there awkwardly listening to a recording of some karaoke session musician trying to duplicate the solo from “Cum on Feel The Noize.” (Or worse, a recreation of the disco/play-by-play section of the aforementioned Meatloaf tune) This gets especially out of hand when you’re dealing with any 70’s band with prog-rock leanings- if you’re a real glutton for punishment, try and watch someone sing a karaoke version of Heart song sometime… A singer fronting a live band could get into it and try to make the best of the self-indulgent noodling, but it’s kinda retarded to vamp for a canned instrumental track. Do they make abridged karaoke versions of songs? Because someone should.

3. Allowing anyone to sing “Paradise By The Dashboard Light”: It was painful enough to suffer through the original Meatloaf/Ellen Foley version of this shitty mini-opera at every school dance I ever went to, but to have to hear some middle-aged couple belt it out is intolerable. Most people don’t realize that, as awful as they are, Meatloaf songs are actually pretty tough to sing, and the typical drunk couple can’t competently pull off even a small part of this long and shitty song.

4. Letting anyone rap: Jesus Christ, did I really need to know that this kid knows the lyrics to Eminem songs by heart? Look at him, he’s not even glancing at the monitor! To be fair, there’s usually not a lot of rap going on at a given karaoke night; probably something to do with a fear that white people might say “nigga” over the PA in a crowded bar. Oh well!

5. Not having a Gong/Hook: Sometimes you need a karaoke mercy killing. When even the person on stage isn’t having fun and seems to want to slink off into a corner and die, it’s probably a good idea to just cut the song off and bring on someone who doesn’t suck quite so much. Don’t make them run away in tears before you stop the song.

6. Letting 2 People Sing a song that’s not a duet: You see this a lot, usually one person will be too shy to get up and sing (usually a good sign that you should not do karaoke), but they’ll have a drunk ham with them who’s very insistent that they should sing, so they’ll come up and provide “support.” In reality this is just an excuse for the ham to do another song while their shy friend just stands there giggling nervously.

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GO SMELL IT ON THE MOUNTAIN!!!

June 18, 2009 in Uncategorized by beeteedee | No comments

bandmember

As meh as that Weird Al list was, something gooddid come out of it! I’m SAVED! Well, not really… But whilst doing my research for the list  (I did research!) I discovered a comedy holy grail (so to speak!) that I can’t believe the internet hasn’t jumped all over already! They’re called Apologetix, and they are… Brace yourself… A Christian rock parody band! That’s right, a Christian rock band being funny on purpose! But the question is, how funny are they? Unfortunately, it seems that in order to listen to the mp3s on their website you have to be a member of their fanclub, which probably involves some kind of a purity pledge, but the lyrics to a few songs are available for anyone to read, and for your convenience they even tell you what bible verses each song refers to! I have a feeling this is gonna be a hoot!

So let’s get ready for laffs… For starters, may I present a parody of the Eminem song “Lose Yourself” called “Look Yourself” - Wait, “Look Yourself”? That title doesn’t make much sense, so it’s already pretty funny! Apparently the lyrics invoke Matthew 13:57; Mark 6; John 4:44; Romans 3:10, 3:23, 5:8, 6:23, 8:1, 10:9,10:13; 1 Corinthians 1:18, 3:19; and James 1:23-25, so maybe there’s something in one of those verses about forbearing the use of decadent prepositions. Anywho:

look, he’s so happy, he chose his own path but he
Won’t give up babbling, he broke his old habits they
Don’t seem so bad to me, hope it’s some fad like new Coke or Shaun Cassidy

Haha! Shaun Cassidy! Who’s that? Must be the hip teen star from one of those high school musicals or something. These guys are bringing Christianity to the kids! Obviously that was the point of parodying an Eminem song. That Eminem is all over TRL these days!

Well, if rap’s not your thang, there’s always a parody of Ozzy Osborne’s “Crazy Train” called “Lazy Brain”! I’m tempted to put this one down as funny already, but let’s peep the lyrics first, homies. And FYI, this bitch refers to 1 Timothy 1:15, 1 Corinthians 5:9-13, 6:9-11, Romans 2:1, John 17:15-19, Acts 19:19, 1 John 4:4!

Metal groups still screaming – why are we so tame
They’re going off the trail but they ain’t insane
They’re going off the trail ‘cause we’re lazy brains
Why don’t we think ‘bout Romans 1 through 3?
You gotta listen to God’s Word

Hey, they rhymed “insane” with “brain” just like Ozzy did in “Crazy Train” (Fun Fact: not the only time Ozzy has used this rhyme!), which is a pretty funny thing to do in a parody! I sayeth this is funny! Moving on, I guess it wasn’t just secular parodists who were wont to parody The Presidents of The United States of America’s buzz-bin hit “Lump”; Apologetix weighs in with their own… “Plump” (Judges 3:12-30!). The title got me excited because I thought they’d be making fun of fatties, but the lyrics just confused me:

Plump King Eglon made life a pain
So the Israelites all cried to God to end his reign
God sent Ehud to save the land
In Judges chapter 3 it talks about his secret plan

I don’t understand any of that, but “Eglon” is a funny name! So this one qualifies as a laff in my book. And may I say: in your face, Presidents of The United States of America! Well, I guess these guys were huge Eminem fans, because they also did a parody of “The Real Slim Shady” called “The Real Sin Savior.” That title kinda makes sense! Way to go guys! This one is a comedy gem:

Sometimes I wanna get on TV and just spread the truth
But can’t — but the school can tell me we come from evolution
“My mama was a fish — my mama was a fish
“And if we’re monkeys you might as well forget original sin!”
And that’s the message that we deliver to little kids
And expect them not to question on their own if God exists
Of course they’re gonna wonder if the Lord’s fake by the time they hit fourth grade

LOL! Move over, Weird Al! Saying it’s immoral to teach kids about science in school? Hilarious!!! And what a wacky understanding of evolution the character in this song has! “My mama was a fish” - priceless! Forget about original sin? As if! These guys are just too much!

FINAL KOMEDY VERDICT: FUNNY!

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