So I decided to pay tribute to the departed Corey by revisiting possibly his most important contribution to Shitty Dude culture: the 1992 “erotic thriller” Blown Away. It’s certainly not his best work, or even the best movie he did with Corey Feldman. Hell, it’s not even the best movie called Blown Away. But if you’re a dude of a certain age, it’s likely you remember it well! Or at least, you remember parts of it well.
If you’re like me, Blown Away was LEGENDARY amongst dudes in your middle school, possibly due in part to a the fact that current Celebrity Fit Club member Nicole Eggert appears naked a couple zillion times throughout the movie. It’s nothing crazy! Just the softest of downy-soft softcore, the Fisher-Price My First Porno that ushered many a young delinquent into pervhood. If you’re at that magical age where you’re willing to sit through absolutely anything to see some skin, Blown Away goes down easy: It’s everything you wanna see, with a few miscellaneous Corey butts thrown in for… Actually, I dunno who that’s for. Did they think anyone besides horny pre-teen dudes would wanna watch this movie? Crazy.
Plotwise, there’s not much to speak of here. Blown Away was one of the early 90’s many “Crazy bitch” thrillers, similar to Poison Ivy, The Crush, Single White Female, and about a hundred other generic pieces of shit. For those familiar with the tropes of this highly predictable subgenre, it shouldn’t take a lotta sleuthing to figure out that Eggert’s seductive slut is teh maneater, a lil’ mynx who always seems to be suspiciously close to the epicenter of death and disaster. But she’s ain’t all bad! When she puts a bomb on someone’s car she’s always nice enough to put a big-ass digital timer on it so you know when it’s going to go off!
Haim essentially plays the Gary Stu-type here, a nice guy with a nutjob older brother (Feldman) who gets mixed up with a nutjob broad. See, he works at a resort of some kind where his one and only job responsibility is to ride a horse around aimlessly, and one day he happens upon Nicole Eggert wearing the sluttiest riding outfit imaginable and being attacked by a crazy horse. He rescues her, and nudity ensues.
Eggert turns out to be the daughter of the resort’s owner, a Tommy Wiseau-ish Eurotrash weirdo who doesn’t seem like he could even be distantly related to Nicole Eggert. Dad doesn’t appreciate Haim hanging around his unbelievably slutty daughter, and lets him know that over dinner after a hilariously unsexy sequence in which Haim sticks his dopey-looking, gym sock-clad foot between Eggert’s legs under the table. I suppose they were trying to do something a little different here by having the dude be the one to do the under-table foot-play, but it doesn’t make any sense - Haim’s character is supposed to be intimidated by the dad, so why would he take a risk like that? It seems as though they must have filmed that little bit after the fact, thinking the audience for Blown Away wouldn’t be able to sit through an entire scene that was devoid of any sexual content… GOOD THINKING!
So then Eggert installs a bomb in her Dad’s dirt bike, and she frames Haim, and his brother double-crosses him, and blah blah blah… The plot isn’t important. But you know what is important? the fact that Corey Haim was dating Nicole Eggert at the time, and yet Corey Feldman has a sex scene with her. It’s a pretty tame one, but still! Was this the last movie the Coreys did together? I don’t care enough to look it up, but it’s possible… Did Eggert play Yoko here? EDIT: No, it looks like they did Dream A Little Dream 2 together a few years after this!
Though underused, Feldman’s pretty hilarious in this movie. He’s clearly trying to play the dark, brooding type here, and you’ll be shocked to know he doesn’t pull it off! In fact, he seems a tad fey in some scenes. Maybe it’s the way he holds his cigarette, or the way he dances - it probably didn’t help that he was already in full-fledged Michael Jackson impersonator mode by this point, but that’s a whole ‘nother story… Was this really only 6 years after Stand By Me? Crazy! And it was only 6 years after Lucas? FUCK!
Well that’s about all the early-90’s nostalgia I can stand. No, actually, Jimmy Fallon reuniting the cast of California Dreams was where I hit the wall. What’s next, Jimmy? The cast of Hey Dude!?